I don’t believe him.
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Nice try, poison.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I want this so bad
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.