I don’t believe him.
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Not my job 😂
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Autocorrect is my menesis
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.