Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

fired

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”