Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”