I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.