Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

A Monday every week is excessive

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.