Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.