I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.