Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

2024 has been a rough few years

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍