Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

That’s classic.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

dam girl

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things