Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.