Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.