I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Happy Febuary everyone!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.