Social media explained.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.
When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos