Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

He has no idea 🤡

That’s fair

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter