Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

edward fingerhands

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.