Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.