I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Was it something I said?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok