Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.