Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs