Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Just this preview of the story is enough

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

a badder mouse

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.