I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can