I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.