Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly