Feels like the fourth month in January
You Might Also Like
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me