Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.