Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

yes… yes…

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour