I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
#dnd #ttrpg
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.