Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

White Castle for the Win

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.