I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
You Might Also Like
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.