Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times