i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
![]()
You Might Also Like
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
reminder
![]()
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not