Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

I never know how much to tip a cow.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.