That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.