@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

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@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@MichaelaOkla

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

@thedadvocate01

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point

@o__0Dev

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.