I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since


Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.


Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.


Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.


Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.


*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.


*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night


Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it