@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

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@iwearaonesie

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

@SentenceReduced

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

@TheMichaelRock

Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.

@hasht4g

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@longwall26

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

@ksecaw

Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it