Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

👍

Like sleeping!

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea