I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
sliding into dms like
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Post Malone’s oreo’s are really lovely and i hope everyone gets to try one [remembering about terrorists] except terrorists of course
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.