I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.