I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
