I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
out-housing market appears to be strong
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.