I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile