“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You Might Also Like
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
How it started: How it’s going:
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Gas station lines at 2 am:
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.