“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I saw this ending much differently.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
you have three unread messages
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.