Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents