Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.