I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?