I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Livid.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
figuring out my emotional availability:
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.