I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house