I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I had to Stop for this
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.