Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower