Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”