Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

It’s the weekend y’all

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Oh my god

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”