Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!