Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Good morning

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward