“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.