Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Flowers bee like

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.