I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
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toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.