Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

😎 🍻

12. I think about this all the damn time

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

A completely valid reaction tbh

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet