“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan