Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Academic mentors are like, “you should prioritise your mental health. I obviously didn’t NOW LOOK AT ME!”

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

me when i see my girls butt

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.