Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.