I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.