“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
We don’t deserve birds.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.