I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Cold.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
