I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
