Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over