I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U