Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

I occasionally drink every single night.

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.