I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
