I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
You Might Also Like
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.