Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

“Sheer Arrogance”

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

I hope this email punches you square in the face

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.