I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth