I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.