Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

#parenting

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.