Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Icarus loved hot wings.

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

How much for the goth pool noodles?

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now