I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”